I tried to pose like snot coming out of his nose, but the German tourist taking the picture got freaked out and wouldn't take it, so I ended up just having to stand there. :-(

ring. ring.
Ant: Hello?
Me: Hey!
(lots of noise and static in background)
Me: Oh! Are you still out? Sorry, I didn't mean to bother...
Ant: (interupts) I'm in the parking lot!
Me: Huh?
Ant: (whispers) I'm in the parking lot. There's a helicoptor. I gotta take cover.
Me: Wha???? At The Beach Chalet?!?
Ant: (still whispering) A helicoptor! I gotta go! I gotta take cover! I'll call you when I'm home!
Me: Huh?!? Hello???? Hello?

How freakin' weird is that?!? He did call a little later, but I was half asleep and forgot to ask him what the hell had been going on. My gut instinct tells me that there were probably too many margaritas going on! :-)

Anywho...I found my hotel, checked in, got settled, went downstairs for some food, had a rather large "issue" with the front desk because THEY GAVE MY ROOM NUMBER TO SOME DRUNK WHO WAS AT THE BAR (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so I checked out and found another hotel. I would've expected such utter nonsense at the last place I stayed, but this place was quite a few steps up and they should know better. Anyone with a little common sense should know better. Morons!

And thanks to the drunk at the bar, I have a few pick up lines that I can safely say will NEVER work. Men, pay attention!
#1. I just called my wife from the parking lot and told her I was never coming back. I'm through with her. She's white like you, so you don't gotta worry that I won't like you cause you're white.
-The vastness of the wrongness of that statement is just immeasurable.
#2. Since you refuse to tell me your name, can I just call you gorgeous?
-If there was ANY chance that I wanted you to talk to me some more, I would've told you my name. Or at least given you my friend Stephanie's name.
#3. You wanna go to Vegas? I don't have a car, but I'll pay for some of the gas if you drive.
#4. I got kids about your age. Shit, I haven't seen any of my kids in years.
-Oh good Lord!! Check, please!!

Let me explain that the whole time this dude is talking at me, I am shoving my face full of food in a most unattractive manner, and I have my nose in a book. There is nothing about my vibe that says, "Hey! Why don't you plop your ass down next to me - even though there are plenty of empty seats elsewhere - and proceed to talk my ear off?" It was so painful that finally another guy a few seats down was like, "Man, I don't think she's interested. Or maybe she's deaf? She don't seem to be hearing you." And I was like, "The sound of his voice is making me wish I were deaf!"

Anyway, I'll spare you the details of the stream of 4 letter words that came out of my mouth once I got ahold of the guy at the front desk. I'll also spare you the feminist rant I gave when I was told that the bartender said I acted "a little bitchy" to the dude at the bar, but it started out with "DO YOU HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS?...feminist rant, feminist rant, words words words, cursing, cursing, feminist rant," and ended with something like, "So because I didn't encourage conversation and give personal details to a man that I've never seen before and didn't invite to sit near me or talk to me, I'm a bitch?!?" GRRRRRRR!!!! Why are women expected to "just be nice" in situations like this??? Just being nice to this guy could have put me in a very unsafe situation. I know alot of women who have had to deal with alot of hassle because they were raised to "just be nice" and never learned to stick up for themselves. If that drunk moron couldn't figure out that he should leave me alone based on my "bitchiness" then what was he gonna do with just the slightest bit of acknowledgement?!?

I heard one of them call me a lesbian as I stormed out. REALLY?!? In 2009??? That's the best you've got?!? You think that's an insult??? SUCK IT, HOTEL STAFF!

So. There you have it.

And now, without further ado, some pics from today!!! Aside from the above BS, I had quite a lovely day - even if I did end up driving hours out of my way due to my less than stellar sense of direction. I spent the morning at Joshua Tree N.P., and the rest of the day in Einstein. Now, I'm gonna read until I fall asleep. Not sure how I'll spend my days now that I don't have thousands of penis shaped rocks everywhere to make me giggle nonstop.


Glaven Q. Heisenberg said...

O, I dunno, sister ... the guy at the bar sounded kinda charming. And weren't you, as someone who makes a living as a Stunt Double For Giant Snot, being a bit ... uh ... picky?

HAR! "Picky"!

Yeah, what a dick! (And I'm not talking the penis-shaped rocks here, although, they are pretty impressive too, not that I'm intimidated by them or anything.) Some guys never learn that when they turn on the "charm", they should first check to see if they're actually charming in any way, shape or form. Surprisingly few are.

So it kinda stands to reason that these guys should strike out every time and therefore never get laid and therefore never reproduce and therefore die out. But they never seem to die out.

So they either reproduce asexually or make large and frequent deposits at area sperm banks.

Charmless Barfly to Sperm Collection Cup: "Well, hellllloooo-wah, pretty lady! Mind if I have sex with you?"

Sperm Col. Cup: "..."

C BF: "I'll take your silence as consent. [To self] O, yeah! I still GOT IT!"

So take comfort in the knowledge that you're more discriminating than a Sperm Collection Cup, sister.

And after another look at those penis-shaped rocks, I've become convinced they're padding with socks or tissues or something because NO rock-penis (outside of Igneous Porn Videos) is that big naturally,

sumatra22 said...

Great pics, lovely rant...but if I get any phonecalls from some drunk dude who got my name from the hotel...you're in BEEEEEEEEG TRUBBLE LOOOOOCIE! And the nerve to say something so stupid as "lesbian", honestly. I'm a bit dissappointed that I wasn't there to grab your ass at that moment!

Bob said...

It would have been sooo very sick if you had barfed on the drunk bothering you at the bar OR!, barfed all over the hotel desk because they soooo upset you. Now that would have been one hell of a post here.

I'm thinking you should lodge a complaint with the hotel's corporate office . . . like a hate crime sort of thing. Like being called a lesbian after being denied services is worth something in terms of compensation, isn't it? They'd hate something like that to hit the papers and would want to keep you happy and quiet. Just a thought.

brownie said...

What's with all the hotels? You getting too old to sleep on the ground?

tfh said...

I laughed at this post, but can't quite bring myself to check "funny" as a reaction b/c it's so infuriating.

I've had a similar experience of a man following me back to a hotel room, only I was in India so the owners of the hotel chased him away yelling threats as soon as I made it clear I was angry and scurred. Hmmm. One would THINK a woman should be safer traveling alone in the US of A-- write THAT one up, Lonely Planet.

achilles3 said...

Shut up lezbo!

Dani said...

Wow, I would have been pretty pissed off too....You have some really amazing shit happen to you. Mabye you should write a book off your blog...

Anonymous said...

Actually I also think some book (semi-fiction) could be something you could do, but I don't know how hard it is going to be in terms of finding a publisher etc. Whatever it is, the first few sentences of the book should be captivating.