This Mexican wrestling mask turned up when we were moving. Did I tell you guys we moved??? Well, Ant moved. I mostly ran around in the mask and practiced saying the following phrase over and over again: "WAIT! STOP! I GOTTA PUT THIS DOWN! IT'S TOO HEAVY! WHY DO WE NEED A BED/COUCH/MATTRESS/CHAIR/TABLE/ETC. ANYWAY??? CAN'T WE JUST LEAVE IT HERE?!?" While I practiced my dramatic speech, Ant mostly practiced sighing heavily and rolling his eyes.

Anyway, there's a story behind the mask, and it totally cracks me up! But Ant has to tell it, because it's his story and he tells it soooo much better than I do! Maybe if y'all beg and plead with him we can convince him to guest blog and tell the story! It involves his ex-girlfriend, which was sort of shocking to me because I always just assumed I was the first and only woman he's ever been interested in, even though his other ex leaves him FB comments referring to him as Hot Stuff* and mentioning that they should get together soon. Which is totally cool, really. I'm not at all intimidated by the fact that she's super gorgeous and about 20 lbs. thinner than me. I mean, I would never leave a message like that on my ex's FB page because, well, it's just not cool (and he de-friended me - HA!), but I'm totally OK with seeing such messages on Ant's page. Really. Can't you tell?

Anyway, I took such an immediate liking to the mask that I brought it along on my trip. I drove in it, I scared the crap out of other cars in it, and I danced around my hotel rooms in it. Everyone should have a Mexican wrestling mask. I can't believe I ever took a long road trip without one!

*GAG

Ever think about how fun it would be to drive through the Mojave Desert?

It's not.

The Mojave gets, on average, 2.23 - 2.5 inches of rainfall a year. Which is roughly the amount that poured down on me and Einstein during the drive.

My butt still hurts.

How are you guys?

So I checked out my old blog to see where I was a year ago (besides Korea), and this is what was posted. It still rings true to me.

Whenever I go on a trip, I think about all the homes I've had & I remember how little has changed about what comforts me.

I tried to pose like snot coming out of his nose, but the German tourist taking the picture got freaked out and wouldn't take it, so I ended up just having to stand there. :-(

ring. ring.

Ant: Hello?

Me: Hey!

(lots of noise and static in background)
Me: Oh! Are you still out? Sorry, I didn't mean to bother...

Ant: (interupts) I'm in the parking lot!
Me: Huh?

Ant: (whispers) I'm in the parking lot. There's a helicoptor. I gotta take cover.

Me: Wha???? At The Beach Chalet?!?

Ant: (still whispering) A helicoptor! I gotta go! I gotta take cover! I'll call you when I'm home!
click.

Me: Huh?!? Hello???? Hello?

How freakin' weird is that?!? He did call a little later, but I was half asleep and forgot to ask him what the hell had been going on. My gut instinct tells me that there were probably too many margaritas going on! :-)

Anywho...I found my hotel, checked in, got settled, went downstairs for some food, had a rather large "issue" with the front desk because THEY GAVE MY ROOM NUMBER TO SOME DRUNK WHO WAS AT THE BAR (!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) so I checked out and found another hotel. I would've expected such utter nonsense at the last place I stayed, but this place was quite a few steps up and they should know better. Anyone with a little common sense should know better. Morons!

And thanks to the drunk at the bar, I have a few pick up lines that I can safely say will NEVER work. Men, pay attention!

#1. I just called my wife from the parking lot and told her I was never coming back. I'm through with her. She's white like you, so you don't gotta worry that I won't like you cause you're white.

-The vastness of the wrongness of that statement is just immeasurable.

#2. Since you refuse to tell me your name, can I just call you gorgeous?

-If there was ANY chance that I wanted you to talk to me some more, I would've told you my name. Or at least given you my friend Stephanie's name.

#3. You wanna go to Vegas? I don't have a car, but I'll pay for some of the gas if you drive.

-Riiiiiight.

#4. I got kids about your age. Shit, I haven't seen any of my kids in years.
-Oh good Lord!! Check, please!!

Let me explain that the whole time this dude is talking at me, I am shoving my face full of food in a most unattractive manner, and I have my nose in a book. There is nothing about my vibe that says, "Hey! Why don't you plop your ass down next to me - even though there are plenty of empty seats elsewhere - and proceed to talk my ear off?" It was so painful that finally another guy a few seats down was like, "Man, I don't think she's interested. Or maybe she's deaf? She don't seem to be hearing you." And I was like, "The sound of his voice is making me wish I were deaf!"

Anyway, I'll spare you the details of the stream of 4 letter words that came out of my mouth once I got ahold of the guy at the front desk. I'll also spare you the feminist rant I gave when I was told that the bartender said I acted "a little bitchy" to the dude at the bar, but it started out with "DO YOU HAVE ANY DAUGHTERS?...feminist rant, feminist rant, words words words, cursing, cursing, feminist rant," and ended with something like, "So because I didn't encourage conversation and give personal details to a man that I've never seen before and didn't invite to sit near me or talk to me, I'm a bitch?!?" GRRRRRRR!!!! Why are women expected to "just be nice" in situations like this??? Just being nice to this guy could have put me in a very unsafe situation. I know alot of women who have had to deal with alot of hassle because they were raised to "just be nice" and never learned to stick up for themselves. If that drunk moron couldn't figure out that he should leave me alone based on my "bitchiness" then what was he gonna do with just the slightest bit of acknowledgement?!?

I heard one of them call me a lesbian as I stormed out. REALLY?!? In 2009??? That's the best you've got?!? You think that's an insult??? SUCK IT, HOTEL STAFF!

So. There you have it.

And now, without further ado, some pics from today!!! Aside from the above BS, I had quite a lovely day - even if I did end up driving hours out of my way due to my less than stellar sense of direction. I spent the morning at Joshua Tree N.P., and the rest of the day in Einstein. Now, I'm gonna read until I fall asleep. Not sure how I'll spend my days now that I don't have thousands of penis shaped rocks everywhere to make me giggle nonstop.

I've spent most of today totally lost. It's been a great adventure!! Finally found my destination, now I just need to find my hotel!!! Wish me luck!

I'm checking out of this hotel with the mystery stain on the bedspread and heading off to my next destination!!

Had some very last minute changes in my plans, so I won't be driving to PA after all. But don't worry, my little Pennsylvania friends and family members, I'll still be making an appearance. I'll just be flying into the illustrious ABE airport instead of driving. Which reminds me, one of you is gonna have to pick me up (Steph). And somehow I'm gonna have to get from Allentown to Sunbury (Dad). And the plan for midget wrestling better be ON LIKE DONKEY KONG (Jamie). And I want some Chinese food (Kristy).


So, no cross country road trip for me. Yet. It will happen one day!!! Plans changed after I had packed and loaded my car, and I had my heart set on going somewhere, and I already had rooms booked and routes mapped, so I decided to take a few days and follow through with at least some of the trip. And here I am, still locked up in this craptacular motel. You know a place is classy when it's got a pawn shop on one side of it and a liquor mart on the other! Maybe I can go pawn the Runner's World magazine I just finished reading and use the loot to buy some more beer!!!

Wanna send out a big congrats to my brother, Brownie, for getting into Hardrock for the 2nd year in a row.

This pic was taken of him last year, and it's one of my favorite pics of him. Probably cause you can't see his face. HAHAHAHA!!!

I'm way too tired from my 20 MILES IN THE HOT DESERT SUN to do a proper write-up, so here's a brief photo journal of my day. I ran about 7 miles, with a fairly heavy pack, and that's an enormous accomplishment for me! JT National Park is awesome! I'll be very sad to drive away from here tomorrow morning.

But first, time for a beer. This one's for Glaven! ;-)

I took a nap in the sun.

I wrote some postcards.

For Ant. :-)

For you guys: A sand angel!! :-)

Lots of scrambling around on rocks.

Snack time!!

This rock was blocking the trail, so I moved it. :-)

Water...must...find...water...

I'm pretty certain that the rest of this trip is gonna require a lot of beer. If you'd like me to drink a beer in your honor, it'll cost you a buck.* That's right, folks, for ONE DOLLAR, I will raise my glass (or can, or bottle, or whatever) in your honor and salute you before I chug away. In return, you get to help me get drunk and just maybe, if I get enough dollars, I will post a little transcript of the conversation Ant and I have, since I will more than likely drunk dial him and say all kinds of ridiculous shit. Sounds like a great bargain to me, so pay up, mofos!

*This wasn't my idea. Glaven's trying to get me drunk.

Did you guys know I'm a former member of Air Supply? Yeah. True story.

OK. So I'm not really a member of Air Supply. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night.

Alright, that's a lie, too. Because the place I'm actually staying at makes the Holiday Inn Express look like a 5 star luxury resort. The little "gem" I'm holed up in was found during a late night internet search, and all 3 reviews were written by dirty climber dudes who had stayed here while doing some climbing and bouldering at the park. After reading the 2nd review I thought to myself, "Self...This is an H3 hotel if ever there was one!" That means most of you wouldn't stay here if they paid you, but for me it's perfect! And for 42 bucks a night it's even more perfect! It kind of makes me homesick - I haven't stayed in a place with 4 locks on the door since I lived in Allentown!

Anyway, back to the video, which I'm sure y'all just can't get enough of. A question was posed in one of my comment sections about how I would be able to handle the long drive. The answer? I didn't handle it well at all, and it was only day 1! Man, was I bored!! And restless! And my ass freaking hurt! So to help pass the time, I amused myself by racing other cars, taking a few pictures:

And when I tired of that, I TAUGHT MYSELF TO DRIVE WITH MY FEET!!!!

Yes, I know, not the safest thing I've ever done. But, to be honest, it doesn't even make the top 10 dumbest things I've done. And, it's a pretty sure guarantee that I'll get an email from my mom, and she hasn't emailed me in awhile so I'm about due.

While I was doing everything possible to amuse myself and pass the time, I was constantly scanning the radio. And lemme tell you folks, when it comes to radio, Central CA loves 2 things: Christian Rock, and Slow Rock (whatever the hell that is). I was pretty bummed, until Air Supply came on and I thought of Joel and how I used to serenade him with Air Supply songs at Karaoke when we were in Korea (hello enormously long run-on sentence). So I had the GENIUS idea to make him a video of me singing Air Supply, just like old times. The above video is my failed attempt. The SERIOUSLY AWESOME, ROCKING, CHART-TOPPING, TRAFFIC-STOPPING, SO GOOD IT HURTS version will be emailed to Joel and only Joel. And maybe the other NB's, but that's it.

After a brief rest and a snack, I headed to the visitor center to find a ranger to help me plan my hike tomorrow. We settled on a 16 mile out and back trail with the option of a bonus 2.3 mile loop if I wanna see a different section of the park. He could've saved his breath, 16 miles is plenty for me, thank you very much. When we were done chatting about everything under the sun including his upcoming trip to Mexico to have his teeth cleaned (strangers have always disclosed the most ridiculous things to me) he recommended I head into the park to watch the sunset. So I grabbed a sammich and did just that. It was awesome! Here's some rather crappy pics I took before it got too dark.

Now I'm gonna have another glass (and by glass I mean cheap paper cup) of wine and get some sleep. Gotta be up early for my hike! Sweet dreams!